What do I know about wine? Red with meat, white with fish... I think? In honor of National Wine and Cheese Day I figured I'd take a stab at the easier pairing... bad wine, bad cheese. Can't go wrong with that right? Let's find out...
Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill: A bonfire deep in the backwoods after a Friday night high school football game staple. Pale pink in color, pale stink in taste. With mild notes of Welch’s strawberry soda, this airy enigma is best served out of the back of a windowless van. Its taste profile is comprised of sad choices, daddy issues and low expectations. A once affordable alternative to the higher-priced Peach Tree Schnapps option, Boone’s Farm variety of liquidized punishments could always be found conveniently on the endcap of that liquor store that was always loose on their carding policy. Pairs perfectly with an equally questionable mozzarella. I recommend a slice of room temperature mozzarella crafted by Land O Lakes.
Mogen David Blackberry: 3 Liters of pure confusion. Once the cap of this jug full of nonsense is popped, be sure to keep a healthy distance while it airs itself of its potent, and potentially dangerous, gasses. A room clearer for sure, this assault on the senses is best consumed alone… in a dark room or basement… while contemplating what went wrong with your life. Chase a swig of Mogen David Blackberry with a squirt or two of sharp cheddar cheese in a can. A lesser respected brand, like Great Value, is highly recommended. Save your Easy Cheese cans for a better vintage. At least a 3.5 rating or higher.
Our Daily Red Blend Boxed Wine: Never show up to a party empty handed I say. And never get invited back when this atrocity of nature and human creation is presented to your host and their guests. Our Daily Red “Bland” boxed wine falls hard into the “it’s the thought that counts” category. Unfortunately, that “thought” may be deemed a direct threat to whomever is exposed to your attempt at good manners. You’d be better off bringing an unleashed wolverine to the fiesta. At least the wolverine won’t leave a foul taste in your mouth for the next month and a half. Pair this sommelier’s horrification with absolutely nothing. Don’t insult the cheese. And stop insulting your dignity… do better.